I Hate That I Hated You
by sweetsheart
Summary: For all of their lives, she treated him like she did for she was sound in the knowledge he'd be around forever. But, now, she realises that you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. Tsunade/Jiraiya.


"_I-"_

_He ducked underneath the frypan._

"_Hate-"_

_He leapt to the side to dodge the kunai she threw._

"_You!" _

_With that final scream, the white-haired man grinned and the blonde fumed more._

"_Oh, never would have guessed, Tsunade." he chuckled._

"_Don't even, Jiraiya." she snarled through gritted teeth. He waltzed over to the blonde, his hand brushing over her shoulder. She turned around and grabbed his wrist, snarling._

"_You've got some nerve." she growled, throwing his wrist down against his side._

_This incident occurred sometime after Tsunade had nearly killed Jiraiya, and it also came after what could only be called an intimate reconciliation between the pair._

"_I thought you knew that." he replied, crossing his arms, restoring his cocky smirk. Tsunade shook her head, huffing and clenching her fists._

"_Just go." she said, turning away from the shinobi._

"_Go where? Exactly where do I have to go, Tsunade?" he asked, his voice still retaining its audible smirk._

"_Oh, I know! How about somewhere that's not here?" she asked. Jiraiya chuckled, leaning down next to Tsunade's ear._

"_C'mon…" he muttered._

"_I'll stab you." she growled. Jiraiya chuckled, but was cut off when he was swiftly elbowed in the stomach. He stumbled backwards, falling down onto the couch._

"_Geez, you've gotta give me a little more time, Tsunade. I'm still recovering from your last onslaught." Jiraiya grinned._

"_You're just pissed off because you got beaten up by a woman." Tsunade sighed._

"_Oh, no, I didn't mean that. I meant the other night, when you-"_

"_So help me, Jiraiya, go away." Tsunade growled. Jiraiya sighed and crossed his arms, standing up and walking towards the door._

"_Okay, Tsunade, just let me know when you want the next onslaught, and I'll-" The six kitchen utensils that were thrown at Jiraiya at once signalled his exit. _

_So Tsunade thought._

"_You know, Tsunade, I-" Jiraiya stopped short of the door._

"_Get. Out. Now." Tsunade snapped once more, walking to the door. Jiraiya grinned and shook his head._

"_I think I'm okay." Jiraiya smirked. Tsunade walked towards him, staring him down fiercely with a death stare. _

_Jiraiya knew exactly where this was going. Tsunade didn't want it to happen on the surface, but deep down, she knew what was coming too. _

_Tsunade grabbed a handful of Jiraiya's hair and pulled him roughly on top of her on the couch. _

_Her next onslaught came earlier that Jiraiya had expected._

* * *

"_God, I hate you_." she whispered through tears, those of which had been cried long before sitting on the photo frame Tsunade held in her hands. She heard a door opening behind her, but did not turn to face the entrant. If it was an assassin, let them kill her. For today, she wouldn't care.

"Tsunade-sama, I-" It was just Shizune.

"Please, no… Not now, Shi… Shizune." The Hokage shooed her assistant, and Shizune complied. She, like all others in the Leaf, knew that the Hokage was in mourning. Whether or not she admitted it, she would be in a deep mourning.

In a way, she had been through something vaguely similar before. Orochimaru's betrayal was a loss of sorts. But this… this was more.

Whether she loved him, hated him or, most likely, a bit of both, Jiraiya was gone.

"You're the worst, you know that? Idiot." she hissed, whether she was talking to Jiraiya or whoever had taken him away was anyone's guess. Though, deep in her heart, she knew she wasn't talking to Jiraiya.

If she was talking to him, she'd be telling him she missed him. That no matter how crude or idiotic he was, she would rather him be here than not. She shut her eyes for a second, trying to quell the tears.

"_Nice rack. As always." _

_Tsunade's head bolted up and she turned around, and there he was. The man who had been the bane of her existence while alive but left a giant gap when he left._

"_A-Are you a ghost?" was the first coherent thing that spilt from her mouth._

"_Please, Tsunade, give me some damn credit. If I was a ghost, I'd be at the bathhouse." The figure who Tsunade knew was not Jiraiya chuckled at her in the same manner that Jiraiya would have. If he were still alive._

"_Glad to know that, whatever you are, you're as cocky as Jiraiya." Tsunade wiped away a lingering tear. _

"_Would you expect any less, Tsunade?" Jiraiya asked. Tsunade sighed and shook her head._

"_No." she said, her hair falling over her cheeks. _

"_Good. I'm doing my job." The figure sat on Tsunade's desk, that familiar slouch allowing that familiar white ponytail to fall familiarly across a familiar set of shoulders. _

_Okay, whatever this was, for Tsunade, it was Jiraiya. Or as close as she could get._

"_Why did you have to die?" Tsunade's voice cracked with tears._

"_Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience to you, honey." Jiraiya grinned._

"_Honey? Don't even." she snapped. _

"_Ah, I've been in your subconscious for a matter of minutes and I'm already pissing you off. Big tick in my books." Jiraiya sprawled himself across Tsunade's desk._

"_Just make yourself at home while making me look like a lunatic." Tsunade turned around and crossed her arms. Jiraiya took a breath in and sat up._

"_Tsunade." _

_No response._

"_**Tsunade.**__"_

"_What?" she asked, sharply._

"_You're beating yourself up. I can see it." Jiraiya stated._

"_Of course I am, stupid." Tsunade replied in a murmur. Jiraiya walked around to face her and sighed._

"_Talk to me." Jiraiya told her._

"_Talk to this ghost-apparition-creation of my mind?" Tsunade asked._

"_Well, you were obviously desperate to see me." Jiraiya's cocky smirk returned and Tsunade growled._

"_Of course I did. Because I… I've been horrible to you at… times." Tsunade admitted._

"_Most of the time, go on." Jiraiya smirked._

"_Seriously, Jiraiya. I… I'm not a woman who has many regrets. But… I regret the way I've treated you." Tsunade whispered._

"_Tsunade, come on. That's just how we were. We were kinda nice to each other, we'd sleep together, we'd fight like cats and dogs, we'd sleep together, we'd make up, we'd sleep together… It's a cycle. And it worked for us." Jiraiya laughed. Tsunade sniffed and looked Jiraiya in the eyes._

"_I… I suppose." Tsunade rubbed at her eyes._

"_Come here." Jiraiya said, quietly. Tsunade stood in front of Jiraiya, looking up at him. He pressed his hand to the side of her face, and it felt real._

"_I always loved you, you know that. No matter how many asses I stared at, women I wolf-whistled at. There was a lot." Jiraiya admitted. Tsunade rolled her eyes and sighed._

"_Why you? Why did it have to be you?" Tsunade asked._

"_What? Me dying or you loving me?" Jiraiya asked._

"_Both." Tsunade murmured, resting her head against Jiraiya's chest and wrapping her arms around his midsection. Jiraiya looked down at the blonde and his voice grew quieter._

"_Kiss me. I want to taste you again." he murmured. Tsunade raised an eyebrow and Jiraiya raised his hands._

"_I didn't even mean it like that! Tsunade! I'm proud of you!" Jiraiya smirked. Tsunade shook her head and closed her eyes gently, feeling Jiraiya press his lips to hers gently, in an almost ghost-like manner…_

Tsunade's eyes opened and she looked around. Nothing. Nobody.

"Jiraiya…" she murmured.

Tsunade took a deep breath and stood up, making her way out of her office; making her first steps out into the world without the white-haired sannin. Instead of feeling upset, she felt brave.

Because, the truth was, she didn't hate him at all. Not even a bit.

Deep down, she didn't regret how she treated him. She loved the way she treated him. Because they both knew something about each other.

Tsunade loved that they loved each other, no matter how oddly they showed it.


End file.
